The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
