PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
