Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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