I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
