This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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