just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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