I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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