Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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