i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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