every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize