i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
