You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
