There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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