the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The beer is more important than you right now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
