sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
