JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
