Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize