tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
