he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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