I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
