apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Who died my cat blue again?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
