Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
