My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize