Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
