I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
