Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
