DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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