She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
