I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
