my vag is so smooth its legendary
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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