I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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