i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
