im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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