my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
