My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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