Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
