i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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