This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize