I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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