Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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