Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
