Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
