i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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