this beer tastes like vomit already
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
