your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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