I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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