ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize