two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
