I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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