You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
