Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
