I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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