Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
