tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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