How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
