I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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