i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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